What I say:
What Kosbie hears:
Hey friends! I’ve been trying my hand at sketch comedy writing this year, and here’s one of my first sketches. I wrote and acted in this one with Dysfunctional Figurines. Hope you like it! I was trying to see how many Russian puns I could get in one sketch.
Quick life update! I was texting a friend/co-worker the other day, and because I secretly want to be Gossip Girl, I signed off “Glynnis xoxox” (or some combination of Xs and Os). My smart phone, thinking that I was being stupid and overly affectionate, auto-corrected the Xs and Os into “dioxide.” At first I was offended, but then I realized the awesomeness of this combination of words.
That’s my arm. I am not tiny.
What is wrong with America?!
Note the “Slice and Share,” probably added so that MARS wouldn’t be sued by some poor fool who might actually buy this as one-person snack.
It’s so heavy – it feels like a bag of rice.
I totally bought it.*
* Ok, I’m a huge hypocrite. But in my defense, I bought it because it was in the clearance rack at the CVS, and there was only one, and I felt like if it wasn’t in my possession, then it would disappear or something (like a unicorn or a ufo). And then I’d be that guy that was always telling people: “One time I saw a Snickers log that was the size of my forearm!” And everyone would be all, “Really?!” But they wouldn’t believe me. So now I have it! As a side note, the prescription I was filling was for my insulin, and the pharmacist was totally judging me as he rang me up. His eyes were all, “Should you really be purchasing 17 pounds of chocolate when you are obviously diabetic?”
Pssht. He don’t know me.
The older I get, the faster time seems to move. It’s crazy! It also makes me want to go back to visit Glynnis of the past and give her a good, hard shake. Like this:
But knowing myself like I do, I bet young Glynnis would not have listened:
*Sigh* I wonder if I ever really thought anyone was buying that story…anyway! What I’m getting at is this: time moves quickly, there’s so much to do, and then BAM! You turn around and realize that you haven’t updated your blog since Halloween! I’ve been super busy doing all kind of stuff. Like:
I’ll post again soon, friends! Until then, take a picture of you and your pet dressed in the same outfit and post it in the comments!
Those of you who know me know that I LOVE Halloween. There are so many wonderful things about this holiday/time of year! Just in case any of you need convincing, here’s a brief, non-comprehensive list:
Awesome Things About October/Halloween
Now, sugar addiction aside, I come by my
love of obsession with Halloween honestly. My whole family loves Halloween, and it was always a big deal in our house. Around September 15th, my parents would sit my sisters and I down and solemnly inform us that they expected our Halloween costumes to be creative and original this year – no procrastinating allowed! Also, store-bought costumes were frowned upon. I railed against this until my parents relented one year in the 90s and let me buy a Lisa Simpson costume. I thought I was hot shit until I was trick-or-treating and came across a woman in a Marge Simpson costume who saw me, yelled “My daughter!”, and chased me down to give me a hug. I was a shy 6-year-old and this stranger danger encounter scarred me for life. I never bought a store costume again.
Perhaps my best era of Halloween costumes occurred during that wonderful time of life we all look back on so fondly…Middle School. Some back story: I was not a typical “tween.” I was amazingly awkward, but blissfully unaware of that fact. I wasn’t embarrassed by my parents, I didn’t want to grow up, and I did not buy into the whole sexy costume thing. Couple that with the fact that I trusted my parents completely, and you’ve got 3 years of stellar Halloween costumes. What’s especially awesome about these costumes is that they were worn at the annual Halloween Dance…in front of all my peers.
6th Grade: Gypsy
7th Grade: Uncle Fester
8th Grade: Virus
This was my last chance! It was not lost on me that this would be my last middle school Halloween Dance, and I decided to bust out the big guns: I went to my parents for ideas and help. My mom came up with the idea that I should go as a virus. When I asked her what that entailed, she explained, “It’s easy! You wear all black, paint your face black, get a pair of black pantyhose, fill them with balloons, and put it on your head.” DUH!! Looking back on this, I wonder if my mom was just trying to see how ridiculous I was willing to look in public. I also wonder what kind of information she received in school about viruses. Anyway, being the trusting 13 year-old I was, I went with it. We made a sign that said “VIRUS” just in case anyone was stupid enough not to realize what I was. I looked something like this:
Needless to say, I did NOT win the costume contest that year, but I did have a great time dancing with pantyhose on top of my head. Also, I did not go on my first date until I was 15.