Lost In Translation

What I say:

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What Kosbie hears:

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End result:

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Iron Maiden

Hey friends! I’ve been trying my hand at sketch comedy writing this year, and here’s one of my first sketches. I wrote and acted in this one with Dysfunctional Figurines. Hope you like it! I was trying to see how many Russian puns I could get in one sketch.

New Identity

Quick life update! I was texting a friend/co-worker the other day, and because I secretly want to be Gossip Girl, I signed off “Glynnis xoxox” (or some combination of Xs and Os). My smart phone, thinking that I was being stupid and overly affectionate, auto-corrected the Xs and Os into “dioxide.” At first I was offended, but then I realized the awesomeness of this combination of words.
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Sasquatch Snickers

Y’all. 

THIS. EXISTS.

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That’s my arm. I am not tiny. 
What is wrong with America?!
Note the “Slice and Share,” probably added so that  MARS wouldn’t be sued by some poor fool who might actually buy this as one-person snack. 
It’s so heavy – it feels like a bag of rice.

I totally bought it.*

* Ok, I’m a huge hypocrite. But in my defense, I bought it because it was in the clearance rack at the CVS, and there was only one, and I felt like if it wasn’t in my possession, then it would disappear or something (like a unicorn or a ufo). And then I’d be that guy that was always telling people: “One time I saw a Snickers log that was the size of my forearm!” And everyone would be all, “Really?!” But they wouldn’t believe me. So now I have it!  As a side note, the prescription I was filling was for my insulin, and the pharmacist was totally judging me as he rang me up. His eyes were all, “Should you really be purchasing 17 pounds of chocolate when you are obviously diabetic?”

Pssht. He don’t know me.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping….

The older I get, the faster time seems to move. It’s crazy! It also makes me want to go back to visit Glynnis of the past and give her a good, hard shake. Like this:

But knowing myself like I do, I bet young Glynnis would not have listened:

*Sigh* I wonder if I ever really thought anyone was buying that story…anyway! What I’m getting at is this: time moves quickly, there’s so much to do, and then BAM! You turn around and realize that you haven’t updated your blog since Halloween! I’ve been super busy doing all kind of stuff. Like:

  1. Getting Engaged! My gentleman friend and I have decided to hang out forever, and it’s really exciting. Right after we got engaged, we went to visit my family in Connecticut to celebrate Halloween (the best holiday of all), and then there was a flippin’ snowpocalypse that devastated my hometown and RUINED Halloween. There WAS no Halloween or electricity, or hot water, or heat. It was awful. But don’t worry, we got our engagement picture:

    Cold, greasy, and wearing my Dad's clothes. Nothing says "ROMANCE" like a destructive force of nature.

  2. Acting/Playing/Being a MOVIE STAR (sort of)! I worked with a really fantastic sketch troupe this fall/winter and had a blast. AND! It lead to me making my film debut. I got to play a cop AND swear! Please enjoy:

  3. Doing Crap Like This To Kosbie:


I’ll post again soon, friends! Until then, take a picture of you and your pet dressed in the same outfit and post it in the comments! 

I lit the Black Flame Candle

Those of you who know me know that I LOVE  Halloween. There are so many wonderful things about this holiday/time of year! Just in case any of you need convincing, here’s a brief, non-comprehensive list:

Awesome Things About October/Halloween

  • It’s brisk and autumn-y outside! Time for scarves and boots!
  • There is candy everywhere!!
  • You can dress up as anything you want!
  • CANDY!
  • Scary movies!
  • CANDY CANDY CANDYALLDAYEVERYDAYCHICKENNUGGETINMYPOCKET!

Now, sugar addiction aside, I come by my love of obsession with Halloween honestly. My whole family loves Halloween, and it was always a big deal in our house. Around September 15th, my parents would sit my sisters and I down and solemnly inform us that they expected our Halloween costumes to be creative and original this year – no procrastinating allowed! Also, store-bought costumes were frowned upon. I railed against this until my parents relented one year in the 90s and let me buy a Lisa Simpson costume. I thought I was hot shit until I was trick-or-treating and  came across a woman in a Marge Simpson costume who saw me, yelled “My daughter!”, and chased me down to give me a hug. I was a shy 6-year-old and this stranger danger encounter scarred me for life. I never bought a store costume again.

Perhaps my best era of Halloween costumes occurred during that wonderful time of life we all look back on so fondly…Middle School. Some back story: I was not a typical “tween.” I was amazingly awkward, but blissfully unaware of that fact. I wasn’t embarrassed by my parents, I didn’t want to grow up, and I did not buy into the whole sexy costume thing. Couple that with the fact that I trusted my parents completely, and you’ve got 3 years of stellar Halloween costumes. What’s especially awesome about these costumes is that they were worn at the annual Halloween Dance…in front of all my peers.

6th Grade: Gypsy

I played it safe for my first Halloween Dance and probably looked pretty cute, but I didn’t win the costume contest.

7th Grade: Uncle Fester

Determined to take my costume to the next level and win the contest, I decided to go with something that involved makeup and a skull-cap. I painted myself white, stuffed a pillow under a fugly jacket, and went off to the dance as Uncle Fester. My friend Kat won the costume contest that year. She went as Mr. Clean (with a skull-cap!). I was happy for her, but I also felt insanely jealous/stupid for not thinking of using cotton balls as eyebrows the way she did.

8th Grade: Virus
This was my last chance! It was not lost on me that this would be my last middle school Halloween Dance, and I decided to bust out the big guns: I went to my parents for ideas and help. My mom came up with the idea that I should go as a virus. When I asked her what that entailed, she explained, “It’s easy! You wear all black, paint your face black, get a pair of black pantyhose, fill them with balloons, and put it on your head.” DUH!! Looking back on this, I wonder if my mom was just trying to see how ridiculous I was willing to look in public. I also wonder what kind of information she received in school about viruses. Anyway, being the trusting 13 year-old I was, I went with it. We made a sign that said “VIRUS” just in case anyone was stupid enough not to realize what I was. I looked something like this:

Needless to say, I did NOT win the costume contest that year, but I did have a great time dancing with pantyhose on top of my head. Also, I did not go on my first date until I was 15.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN,
KOSBIE FANS!!