Lessons I’ve Learned From My Dog (Part 1)

This morning I woke to the sound of Kosbie (my favorite four-legged friend) throwing up. As I groggily scrubbed the carpet, I wondered why I ever voluntarily brought this hairy, vomit-machine into my life.  Husband had corralled Vomits-bie in the bathroom, and when I went in there to wash up, I saw this:

Sad Vomit Kos

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See you in the movies!

Happy 2011, errrbody! The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a pretty chart thingy they gave me to illustrate my blog’s  “overall health”:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Now, getting a “Wow” rating is all well and good, but my focus is on the FUTURE, readers. What’s in store for 2011? Generally, I don’t know. But when it comes to this blog, I do! Two words: FLIP CAMERA! My amazing, wonderful gentleman friend got me one for Christmas! I have tons of ideas for Kosbie videos and I can’t wait to start working on them.  In the meantime, I didn’t want to make you guys wait, so I decided to make a quick video for your viewing pleasure. Unfortunately, as soon as I turned on my camera, Kosbie ceased to do anything interesting at all and became mesmerized by the camera and then bored. So I tried spicing things up with an interesting camera angle…next I resorted to using the “Mango Mambo” to cover up the tedium of this video (and also maybe the sound of my voice begging Kosbie to do something exciting). So, yeah! Here it is, my first (and worst) video for the blog!

Please forgive me.

P.S. – I promise that in real life, Kosbie’s eyes don’t look like two, empty, lifeless, coal lumps made of pure evil…well, not all the time.

Speak fluent Kosbie!

Merry Monday, Readers! I figured I’d kick this week off with a Kosbie post, since I haven’t written about her in a while. Plus, she is the star of the blog (even though my image has replaced hers as the header – that’s just for you, Leemar).

Anyhoosies! You know how people who have babies can tell what the baby wants by the type of cry it makes? Well, I have the same kind of relationship with Kosbie. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those people who dresses up their dog and treats them like a human child. Alright, FINE! I try to make Kosbie wear clothes, but she rips them off of her body and proceeds to tear them up with a viscousness that I have never seen her employ in any other situation. And when I try to hold her she claws at my exposed flesh like a raging chupacabra until she’s free.

But I digress.

In the (almost) two years I’ve had Kos, I’ve learned how to interpret the different sounds she makes. Below, I’ve listed an assortment of Kosbie’s vocalizations and noises with a translation or description of each one. For the sake of clarity, Kosbie’s “speech” and point of view will be in purple.

*BARK!!!*

I will kill you, other dog! You are lucky I’m tied to this heavy human!

*Bark!!*

I’m having so much fun playing fetch and tug of war that I’ve worked myself up into a frothy lather of excitement! I cannot help expressing myself with my voice!

*bark*

I don’t really want to bark but you’re making me do it so I can get the treat you have in your hand. Don’t you ever get bored of making me do what you want me to do for your entertainment? (By the way, the answer is “No and I never will.”)

*sneeze*

I see that you are having a snack and I feel entitled to part  (if not all)
of it.
(I like to think of this as Kosbie’s equivalent to “ahem” or clearing her throat. )

*whinewhinewhine*

Guys! There is something I see outside! It looks super awesome! Let’s go outside!

*WHINEWHINEWHINE*

I! Have! To! Pee!

*sigh*

It is night time, the lights are off, we are all in bed, but you and your gentleman friend keep talking. I am trying to sleep. OR: Fine, don’t share your dinner. OR: More TV? Really? I guess I’ll take another nap.

*GROWL*

I am one badass bitch! (Note: She makes this noise when she’s showing her plush, toy raccoon who is boss.)

*GRUGNF*

This one is a little difficult to describe. It’s the noise that Kosbie makes when she goes into “anchor mode” when we are taking a walk. Basically, when Kosbie finds something that she is SUPER interested in smelling she puts on the brakes and throws her 28 pounds in the opposite direction. The result is me getting some serious whiplash and the air in Kosbie’s throat being pushed out and making a noise that I can only describe as “GRUGNF.”

So there you have it! An introduction to the Kosbinian language. I’m sure you’ll all be fluent in no time at all! When I finished writing this post, I looked over at Kosbie and said “It’s done! You’re famous!” Then she did this: