I’m going to start by saying that Husband was not excited about me writing this post. Actually, he told me not to do it. Period. He threatened me. He said that if I wrote this post, he would send it to my parents. While Husband is the best in many ways, he clearly has not learned that telling me not to do something is the best way to get me to do it. (Or maybe he does know me and wants me write this post…am I playing right into his hands?!? MIND FREAK!)
Bottom line: I shan’t be controlled by fear and manipulation (and also Husband is out “exercising” or whatever, so if he chooses personal health over watching Mad Men with me, then he has to deal with the consequences). This week’s post is all about married life and sharing space. Below I’ve illustrated two stories about Husband and I sharing a bed (and no, theses aren’t going to be sexy, so go elsewhere/everywhere else on the internet for that sort of thing). Before I go on, I must establish one fact: Husband normally sleeps like the dead. Thunderstorms, Kosbie throwing up, me talking – none of it will rouse him, which makes the following occurrences even more remarkable.
Bedroom Story 1: Husband mocks me in his sleep. I’m an actor, and when I’m in a show, Husband and I get on different schedules. When I finish rehearsal at 10PM, I’m just not ready to go to bed at 11PM, so I’ll stay up and read/waste time on the internet while he goes to bed like a normal person. Once I’m finally tired and can’t find anymore episodes of Teen Mom to watch, I sneak into the bedroom and hop in bed, where Husband is already fast asleep. One night, I guess I ate something that didn’t quiet agree with me and maybe I tooted in a loud way:
I cringed, waiting for a response from Husband. He didn’t move and just kept snoring, so I assumed I had gotten away with it:
But then! Suddenly Husband did this:
He mocked my fart. IN HIS SLEEP. After perfectly imitating the noise my body made and stating “That’s you,” he didn’t move or say anything else. And the next morning, when I asked him about it, he had no recollection of the event. Have a married a mind ninja fart shamer??!!
Bedroom Story 2: One track mind. As I said, when I’m in a show, sometimes I’m up later than Husband. One night I didn’t get a chance to put on my jammies before he went to sleep, so I had to change in our dark room before getting into bed. I sneaked in, turned down the sheets, found my Kindle, and opened the drawers of my dresser to get my PJs. During all of this, Husband did this:
Then, the instant I took my shirt and bra off, he lurched up in bed like a newborn zombie…
… and slurred:
Before I could answer, he flopped down and fell back asleep.
What is the moral of these stories? I don’t think there is one, but if I had to make one up to tie up this post, it’d be: Marriage and Intimacy are made of toots and boobies. Also – have a great weekend, readers!