Speak fluent Kosbie!

Merry Monday, Readers! I figured I’d kick this week off with a Kosbie post, since I haven’t written about her in a while. Plus, she is the star of the blog (even though my image has replaced hers as the header – that’s just for you, Leemar).

Anyhoosies! You know how people who have babies can tell what the baby wants by the type of cry it makes? Well, I have the same kind of relationship with Kosbie. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those people who dresses up their dog and treats them like a human child. Alright, FINE! I try to make Kosbie wear clothes, but she rips them off of her body and proceeds to tear them up with a viscousness that I have never seen her employ in any other situation. And when I try to hold her she claws at my exposed flesh like a raging chupacabra until she’s free.

But I digress.

In the (almost) two years I’ve had Kos, I’ve learned how to interpret the different sounds she makes. Below, I’ve listed an assortment of Kosbie’s vocalizations and noises with a translation or description of each one. For the sake of clarity, Kosbie’s “speech” and point of view will be in purple.

*BARK!!!*

I will kill you, other dog! You are lucky I’m tied to this heavy human!

*Bark!!*

I’m having so much fun playing fetch and tug of war that I’ve worked myself up into a frothy lather of excitement! I cannot help expressing myself with my voice!

*bark*

I don’t really want to bark but you’re making me do it so I can get the treat you have in your hand. Don’t you ever get bored of making me do what you want me to do for your entertainment? (By the way, the answer is “No and I never will.”)

*sneeze*

I see that you are having a snack and I feel entitled to part  (if not all)
of it.
(I like to think of this as Kosbie’s equivalent to “ahem” or clearing her throat. )

*whinewhinewhine*

Guys! There is something I see outside! It looks super awesome! Let’s go outside!

*WHINEWHINEWHINE*

I! Have! To! Pee!

*sigh*

It is night time, the lights are off, we are all in bed, but you and your gentleman friend keep talking. I am trying to sleep. OR: Fine, don’t share your dinner. OR: More TV? Really? I guess I’ll take another nap.

*GROWL*

I am one badass bitch! (Note: She makes this noise when she’s showing her plush, toy raccoon who is boss.)

*GRUGNF*

This one is a little difficult to describe. It’s the noise that Kosbie makes when she goes into “anchor mode” when we are taking a walk. Basically, when Kosbie finds something that she is SUPER interested in smelling she puts on the brakes and throws her 28 pounds in the opposite direction. The result is me getting some serious whiplash and the air in Kosbie’s throat being pushed out and making a noise that I can only describe as “GRUGNF.”

So there you have it! An introduction to the Kosbinian language. I’m sure you’ll all be fluent in no time at all! When I finished writing this post, I looked over at Kosbie and said “It’s done! You’re famous!” Then she did this:

Worst Case Scenario 2

I totally LOVED your responses to my Worst Case Scenario post so I decided to draw a few of your suggestions!

Worst Case Scenario: Velociraptors

Seriously. They learned how to open doors in Jurassic Park and even sassily tapped their huge-ass claws when the human children didn’t surrender to their destiny as Scooby Snacks. And they killed Samuel L. Jackson! Case closed.


Worst Case Scenario: Chupacabra

Alright, so maybe I don’t really know what a chupacabra is but does anyone!? A quick internet search tells me that it’s either a dead, dried up dog carcass or some kind of alien from space here to suck our goats dry! (Hence the name: chupar is the spanish verb “to suck” and cabra means “goat.” In my head I call it “GOATSUCKA!”)


Worst Case Scenario: Killer Bees

Haha! Get it?! KILLER bees?! It seemed like a good idea when I started the drawing…


Worst Case Scenario: Zombie Velociraptor

I can’t really come up with a comment for this last one because I am actually very afraid of zombies. So yes, Susie: WORST case scenario, indeed.

Alright folks! I will be doing more of these down the road, so don’t be bummed if you don’t see your suggestion here – it’s probably on the way! If you think of another great Worst Case Scenario, leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail! Thanks for reading! And if you like what you see, subscribe and/or share this on the internet, ok?

C is for Cookie Cake

Hey! Remember that time I took an extra long, long weekend for 4th of July and didn’t post anything on my blog for like, a week!? Yeah, that sucked. Sorry, guys. But you know what? It’s not even my fault. I blame the insane amount of sugar coursing through my veins after eating the world’s most awesome, patriotic, cookie cake ever:

Land of the free! Home of the CRAVE...ING FOR COOKIES!

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I <3 SUGAR!

BLERG! Apologies to those who received the premature version of this post – I’m just keeping you on your toes? Or having a brain fart. You decide! Anyhoo! What I was saying was that maybe I am just a little bit ridiculous because when I recently balanced my check book, I found this in my wallet:

Don't judge me.

For those of you who don’t have ninja eyes: that’s seven six packets of Fun Dip and one bottle of CLUBSODA (not to be confused with club soda).

Fun Dip is by far my favorite candy on the planet. (Sorry, Smarties. You knew all along, though, didn’t you?) I mean, come on! You can even use the “Lik-A-Stix” as sidewalk chalk! Although I don’t know why you would waste candy like that. I try not to have it very much because it is bad for your teeth and every other part of your body, but this day it seems I threw caution to the wind. It looks like I had some kind of plan…maybe exploding the worlds biggest seagull?* Whatever it was, my cashier, Adam, had no intention of stopping me. I mean, would YOU try to stop a face like this?:

That’s what I look like when I’m not allowed to have Fun Dip at least once every three months. OR that’s what I look like when I’m in Germany after a 7 hour plane ride and have been awake for a day and a half and am fighting the urge to fall asleep with every fiber of my being. It’s one of those two.

Alright, readers – just thought you’d like to know how ridiculous and sugar crazed I really am. I hope you all have a great holiday weekend! Be safe! Also – get excited! Coming next week: more WCS inspired by YOU! (Except that one, Sarah.)

* I would never actually do that – and also, isn’t it Alka-Seltzer?