But knowing myself like I do, I bet young Glynnis would not have listened:

*Sigh* I wonder if I ever really thought anyone was buying that story…anyway! What I’m getting at is this: time moves quickly, there’s so much to do, and then BAM! You turn around and realize that you haven’t updated your blog since Halloween! I’ve been super busy doing all kind of stuff. Like:

1. Getting Engaged! My gentleman friend and I have decided to hang out forever, and it’s really exciting. Right after we got engaged, we went to visit my family in Connecticut to celebrate Halloween (the best holiday of all), and then there was a flippin’ snowpocalypse that devastated my hometown and RUINED Halloween. There WAS no Halloween or electricity, or hot water, or heat. It was awful. But don’t worry, we got our engagement picture:
   

   Cold, greasy, and wearing my Dad's clothes. Nothing says "ROMANCE" like a destructive force of nature.

2. Acting/Playing/Being a MOVIE STAR (sort of)! I worked with a really fantastic sketch troupe this fall/winter and had a blast. AND! It lead to me making my film debut. I got to play a cop AND swear! Please enjoy:
   
   
3. Doing Crap Like This To Kosbie:

I’ll post again soon, friends! Until then, take a picture of you and your pet dressed in the same outfit and post it in the comments! 

Awesome Things About October/Halloween

• It’s brisk and autumn-y outside! Time for scarves and boots!
• There is candy everywhere!!
• You can dress up as anything you want!
• CANDY!
• Scary movies!
• CANDY CANDY CANDYALLDAYEVERYDAYCHICKENNUGGETINMYPOCKET!

Now, sugar addiction aside, I come by my love of obsession with Halloween honestly. My whole family loves Halloween, and it was always a big deal in our house. Around September 15th, my parents would sit my sisters and I down and solemnly inform us that they expected our Halloween costumes to be creative and original this year – no procrastinating allowed! Also, store-bought costumes were frowned upon. I railed against this until my parents relented one year in the 90s and let me buy a Lisa Simpson costume. I thought I was hot shit until I was trick-or-treating and  came across a woman in a Marge Simpson costume who saw me, yelled “My daughter!”, and chased me down to give me a hug. I was a shy 6-year-old and this stranger danger encounter scarred me for life. I never bought a store costume again.

Perhaps my best era of Halloween costumes occurred during that wonderful time of life we all look back on so fondly…Middle School. Some back story: I was not a typical “tween.” I was amazingly awkward, but blissfully unaware of that fact. I wasn’t embarrassed by my parents, I didn’t want to grow up, and I did not buy into the whole sexy costume thing. Couple that with the fact that I trusted my parents completely, and you’ve got 3 years of stellar Halloween costumes. What’s especially awesome about these costumes is that they were worn at the annual Halloween Dance…in front of all my peers.

6th Grade: Gypsy

7th Grade: Uncle Fester

8th Grade: Virus
This was my last chance! It was not lost on me that this would be my last middle school Halloween Dance, and I decided to bust out the big guns: I went to my parents for ideas and help. My mom came up with the idea that I should go as a virus. When I asked her what that entailed, she explained, “It’s easy! You wear all black, paint your face black, get a pair of black pantyhose, fill them with balloons, and put it on your head.” DUH!! Looking back on this, I wonder if my mom was just trying to see how ridiculous I was willing to look in public. I also wonder what kind of information she received in school about viruses. Anyway, being the trusting 13 year-old I was, I went with it. We made a sign that said “VIRUS” just in case anyone was stupid enough not to realize what I was. I looked something like this:

Needless to say, I did NOT win the costume contest that year, but I did have a great time dancing with pantyhose on top of my head. Also, I did not go on my first date until I was 15.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN,
KOSBIE FANS!!

The van!!! I realize now that the automobile clearly has the word “CATERING” on it in large letters, so there is no excuse for my ridiculous behavior.  Happily, there was nobody in the car for me to accost this time. Sadly, whoever parked the van did so in the middle of the flippin’ parking lot, so there was crazy traffic, and I didn’t get to have the lengthy photo shoot I wanted/deserved. My gentleman friend did get a decent shot of me pretending to eat an over-sized sandwich:

I don’t think you can tell (because I am such a super awesome model), but this shot was really difficult to take because the Sun was beating down on me mercilessly. If you live in NC, you know what I’m talking about. Every time I’d try to open my eyes really big, they would start to tear up and water. Most of the shots from that afternoon look something like this:

See how in the first picture of me it looks like I am pumping my fist in victory/celebration? It’s actually a fist that I made in order to endure the pain of my eyes being melted by the Sun. 

It’s no secret that I love food. Especially cookies. Here in the southeast, there is a little place called McAlister’s that sells some pretty good cookies. They used to cost a dollar and are suddenly a dollar twenty five, which is ri-gooddamn-diculous!  A 25% increase in price!? But I digress. The point is: I love McAlister’s cookies. 

SO, one day I was walking Kosbie and there it was: a yellow van with “McAlisters” shrink-wrapped onto it. Images of sandwiches, cookies, tea! On a car! I wish I had a picture of it. I trolled the internet looking for one, and this was the best I could find:

Now, I swear that my McAlister’s van did not have the word “Catering” written on the side of it. If it did, my story would end here. Sadly, it doesn’t. So, I see the van, and I am thrilled and excited…and apparently very tired and hungry because my sad little brain jumped to the conclusion that this McAlister’s Van must be like an ice cream truck.

That’s right, I thought that van must contain food…from McAlister’s…for sale.

Naturally, I approached the van, which was stopped at a stop sign, and I proceeded to ask the driver the following question: “You have cookies?” I honestly don’t know what was going on with me that day, but I’m mildly horrified by my behavior. I must have looked like a neanderthal, rushing up to the car and blurting out barely understandable sentences. When I think about what this must have looked like from the poor driver’s perspective, I cringe:

By the way, that blur of fur and color is Kosbie. She gets really excited around cars and strangers; it’s actually a pretty dangerous reaction to cars for such a little animal. Anyway, the man driving the van was polite but obviously nervous. He explained, “I don’t have any cookies, m’am. You’ll have to go to the restaurant for that.” Before I could respond, he drove away.

And that is the story of how I learned that just because a car has a picture of food on it, doesn’t mean that said food is in the car and available for purchase. 

You Might Not Be
A Grown Up If You:

Eat a bowl of Life cereal with water because you are out of milk.

I’m not proud. I had already measured out the cup of cereal and put it in the bowl. I couldn’t just put it back in the box. Also, I used Brita filtered water. Only the best ’round here.

Watch Katy Perry music videos on loop and cry while you sing along.

This is me after watching the video 3 times.

17 times

300th time.

I’m not even sure how this happened. One day, I had some free time and every intention of paying my bills and cleaning out my inbox. As I sat down to do this I thought: “I could use some background music – I’m going to listen to that new Katy Perry song…ironically, of course.” Next thing I know, I’m listening to her unplugged stuff. Fast forward 45 minutes, I’m crying and memorizing the words to my new favorite song, “Thinking of You.” Don’t judge me – it’s a jam:

Use toilet paper as toilet paper, paper towels and napkins.

Nothing says “I’m an adult” like cooking a nice, homemade Sunday dinner. My gentleman friend and I have gotten in the habit of doing this almost every week. We’ve whipped up fajitas, casseroles, lasagna! But. All of our culinary accomplishments are undermined when we sit down to the table to enjoy our meal and place a strip of Charmin Ultra across our laps. I don’t know that there’s much more I can say about that. *Sigh*

Not the ideal dinner guest.

First up – let’s tackle that major declaration of love: “I want to share my life with you.” Dull, played out, unoriginal, right? Why not try:

So much more intimate! And honest. Nothing says I love you like swapping parasites. Stay tuned for more fun twisted phrases! If you have a good one, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll see what I can do about bringing your witty turn of phrase to life in MS paint!

I decided to go with a Sharpie as my drawing utensil because it’s bold – just like me. Now, I took one semester of drawing in high school and it didn’t go so well…if I remember correctly, the teacher said I had a lot of potential and not enough dedication to developing it. Anyway, one of the things I do remember about the class was that you should spend more time looking at your subject than your paper. So I tried to do that…the results were horrific:

I added Kosbie to the picture and I think she ended up being the best part about it. Maybe I’ll stick to what I’m good at…doodles and stick figures.

Cézanne, you’re the man.

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Now, getting a “Wow” rating is all well and good, but my focus is on the FUTURE, readers. What’s in store for 2011? Generally, I don’t know. But when it comes to this blog, I do! Two words: FLIP CAMERA! My amazing, wonderful gentleman friend got me one for Christmas! I have tons of ideas for Kosbie videos and I can’t wait to start working on them.  In the meantime, I didn’t want to make you guys wait, so I decided to make a quick video for your viewing pleasure. Unfortunately, as soon as I turned on my camera, Kosbie ceased to do anything interesting at all and became mesmerized by the camera and then bored. So I tried spicing things up with an interesting camera angle…next I resorted to using the “Mango Mambo” to cover up the tedium of this video (and also maybe the sound of my voice begging Kosbie to do something exciting). So, yeah! Here it is, my first (and worst) video for the blog!

Please forgive me.

P.S. – I promise that in real life, Kosbie’s eyes don’t look like two, empty, lifeless, coal lumps made of pure evil…well, not all the time.

The Giant Backpacks

Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Glynnis. She loved to play and eat and run. She thought life was fantastico and couldn’t get any better:

But THEN! She met a young man who made life even more exciting and fun than she thought it could be. Not being one to let a good thing go, she fought all the other women for the honor of having this young man as her gentleman friend. SHE WON!

Fast forward 4 years: the two young people have just moved into an apartment and they need a new couch for Kosbie to sleep on while they’re both at work (that’s right, dog, we’re on to you). While Glynnis has fallen in love with a couch from Crate and Barrel, they both agree it’s a good idea to explore their other, more economical options…even though they should really get this one:

The two found themselves wandering the aisles of Value City Furniture when they stumbled upon the children’s department. What happened next can only be described as destiny, awesome or stupid (it’s up to you, but seriously those are your only three choices). They found…

GIANT BACKPACKS

Ok, I have to drop the narrative voice I am using because I’m too excited to tell the rest of this story. Here we go, in regular, old, first person, past tense: My first instinct was to make Gentleman Friend wear the backpack. Because he was as excited about our find as I was, he readily agreed and struck a “Where is the school bus?” pose. Naturally.

Then I had to try the backpack on for myself, because it’s A GIANT BACKPACK, people! Come on! Of course I flashed my most winning smile:

Next, I decided to walk around and act as if my backpack were not humongous – because people acting like ridiculous things are not ridiculous is hilarious. (In case you’re dying to know, at the end I say “Well, there isn’t anything here.” But you can’t tell because I’m mumbling and trying not to laugh.)

Our final idea was the best. We wondered if I could fit in this giant backpack. The answer? Yes, yes I can. That’s how awesome the giant backpacks are. Unfortunately, the salesman on the floor saw me doing this and was not pleased. He ruined our final picture by storming up to Gentleman Friend and me and asking us to “Please stop” or whatever:

THE END.

Yeah, that's me as a football. Badass, I know.

So check it out, Kosbie fans! Also, if you’re in the area, you can come see the show and watch me do what I do! On a completely unrelated, but totally important note – what is everyone being for Halloween? My gentleman and I are going as The Gatekeeper and The Keymaster from Ghostbusters (in human form, not dog). In case you don’t remember/don’t know (if you don’t know – netflix it NOW):

HAWT

I will be posting pictures of us, don’t worry.